The older I get, the earlier it gets late.Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.How come everyone my age seems older than me?I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.I’m so old I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving. Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age I decided to stick with it.My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine but in my case, it’s more like a banana.I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled and bald that they no longer recognize you.IWhen you’re young you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount please, I’m a senior!”When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.When I was young I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better I still do stupid things but I can’t help it.I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.f it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.